Life lessons
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and
some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just
in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good
if you die in the middle of it.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot
at tax collectors, and miss.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can
be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing
worse will happen to you for the rest of the
day.
If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice
into a watergun and shoot other people in the
eyes.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency
to be vague.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try
kickboxing.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat
until caught. Then lie.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is
simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same
time, because then you don't have a leg to stand
on.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes
your time and annoys the pig.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just
get up and dance.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep
late.
When everything's coming your way, you're
in the wrong lane.
You are what you eat. So stay away from the
jerk chicken.
-- you'll be working for them in the future.