How to choose a wife

Choosing a wife


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.




The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.




Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.





Men are like that, you know.







There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


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Does this signpost have the ideal relationship? (For a guy)

Is this the ideal relationship?

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Wheres there a will there's a way

 Mouse with helmet

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Bubba and his neighbours

Each Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said: "You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighborhood.

The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Jack's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a Catfish".

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What's your profession

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."

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Keeping busy while in the penitentiary

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They
were each allowed to take one item with them
to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So,
what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints
and stated that he intended to paint anything
he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses
of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did
you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards
and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can
play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of
games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside,
grinning to himself. The other two took notice
and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you
bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled.
He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What
can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said,
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback
riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

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Geek take on Janis Joplin's "Mercedes Benz"

Oh Lord, won’t you burn me a Knoppix CD ?
My friends all rate Windows, I must disagree.
Your powers of persuasion will set them all free,
So oh Lord, won’t you burn me a Knoppix CD ?

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Blind man in a clothing store

This blind guy walked into a department store with his seeing-eye
dog and headed straight for the men's department. Surrounded
by pajamas and neckties, he proceeded to come to a stop,
pick up his German Shepherd by the hind legs, and swing
the dog around and around in a circle.

A startled clerk ran over to him, saying loudly, "Sir...
may I help you with anything?"

"No thanks," said the blind man, "just looking."

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