Blog of Jokes

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as somechurches call it, "Cry Sunday," one Sunday morning, took the microphone from oneof the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation.
"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has sufferedthis past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.
"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he is in so much pain and he has missed work because of it. He cannot lift ourchildren up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worstof all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of thecongregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation. "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM!"

Teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by him before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate, so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.

A German asks a prostitute for sex and she tells him it's 20 dollars. "Fine" he says, "but I'm a bit kinky". She agrees that this is OK as long as he doesn't do anything violent. They get back to her flat and he gets out four big springs attached to some straps. "I want you to put one of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he asks. The prostitute is worried that she's getting into something a bit heavy, but she goes along with his request. Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in front of him which she does grudgingly. Then he asks her to start bouncing up and down on the springs and finally he takes a duck call whistle from his pocket. "Blow on this while I'm shagging you" he tells her. So he's banging away at her from behind while she's bouncing on the springs blowing the duck whistle. Suddenly she starts to enjoy the shagging, so much so in fact that she experiences the most fantastic orgasm she's ever had. After they've finished she says "Wow, that was the most fantastic sex I've had in 25 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?" "Ah," the German replies. "Foursprung Duck Technique".

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich. Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher : Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven . Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is.........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.

At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a da money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for da 20th- anniversary! The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..." Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."