Two hillbillies

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is inreal distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

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Breakdown of an english word

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck." It is the one magical word, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love. Fuck, as most words in the English language, takes its name from the German word "fricken," which means "to strike."

"Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.

It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).

It can be an active verb (John really fucks up) or a passive verb (Mary doesn't really give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), and a noun (Mary is a fine fuck).

It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful).

As you can see, there are not many words with the versatility of "fuck."

Besides its sexual connotation, this lovely word can be used to describe many situations:

Fraud: I got fucked at the used car lot
Dismay : Oh, fuck it!
Trouble: I guess I'm fucked now.
Aggression: Fuck you!
Passive: Fuck me
Confusion: What the fuck?
Difficulty: I can't understand this fucking business.
Despair: Fucked again.
Apathy: Who gives a fuck.
Incompetence: He's all fucked up!
Laziness: He's a lazy fuck
Displeasure: What the fuck is going on here?
Ignorance: Fucked if I know.
Defiance: The fuck you can!
Lost: Where the fuck are we?
Authority: Shut the fuck up.

It can be used in descriptive anatomy - He's really a fucking asshole.
It can be used to tell time - It's five fucking thirty.
It can be used in business - How did I get this fucking job?
It can be a prediction - Oh, will I get fucked.
It can be maternal - as in "Mother Fucker."
It can be nautical - Fuck the Admiral.
It can be political - Fuck Bush.
It can open the door to wonderful relationships - "Let's fuck."
It can be used just to enhance the meaning of a word - as in "Fanfuckingtastic” or "FuckinA." The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses. How can anyone be offended when you say "Fuck"?

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Husband doing the washing

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "
And they say blondes are dumb...

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Multi-syllable word

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

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How it's loaded

A certain young man finally got a date with a young blonde that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool". But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

When the blonde showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a DVD. During the DVD, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the she exclaimed - "So, that's how you guys load those things!".'"

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What's the difference between a woman and a tornado?

Nothing

They both moan when they come
and take everything when they leave.

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Fat head

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The
dad says "I'll have a chocolate." The wife says "I'll have
a vanilla." Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the
head and says "What do you want fat head?"

The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him in the back
of the head and call him fat head?"

The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants:
The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice
big truck sitting out there??? That's my nice truck!!!

The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house.
You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge
of town? That's my big house!!!

The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy,
and I had that until fat head came along!!!

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Blonde at a football game

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind the bench. After the
game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really
tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then
for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get
the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

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Survivor in Texas

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is
planning to do one
entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco ,
Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston and down to Brownsville . They will
then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock and Amarillo .
From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth and finally back
to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:
"I'm Gay,"
"I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I
Voted for Obama," "George
Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012" and "I'm here to
confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

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Take the foreign language test

Study each question carefully, then choose the answer that
seems "most" correct (TRUE or FALSE) and mark an "X" (just
like you sign your name) on the appropriate line at the right.

1. A clitoris is a type of flower ____TRUE____FALSE

2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit ____TRUE____FALSE

3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird ____TRUE____FALSE

4. Vagina - a medical term to describe heart trouble
____TRUE____FALSE

5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels ____TRUE____FALSE

6. A G-string is a part of a violin ____TRUE____FALSE

7. Semen is another word for sailor ____TRUE____FALSE

8. Anus is the latin word for "yearly" ____TRUE____FALSE

9. Testicles are found on an octopus ____TRUE____FALSE

10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles ____TRUE____FALSE

11. Masturbate is used to catch a large fish ____TRUE____FALSE

12. Kotex is a radio station in Bryan, Tx ____TRUE____FALSE

13. Coitus is a musical instrument ____TRUE____FALSE

14. Fetus is a character on gunsmoke ____TRUE____FALSE

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute ____TRUE____FALSE

16. A condom is an apartment complex ____TRUE____FALSE

17. orgasm - accompanies the choir at church ____TRUE____FALSE

18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry ____TRUE____FALSE

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle ____TRUE____FALSE

20. erection - when the Japanese vote for their new
government____TRUE____FALSE

21. A lesbian is a person from the middle east ____TRUE____FALSE

22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass
____TRUE____FALSE

23. Pornography is the business of making record albums
____TRUE____FALSE

24. Genitals are people of non-jewish faith ____TRUE____FALSE

25. Douch is the Italian word for "twelve" ____TRUE____FALSE

26. An enema is someone who is not your friend ____TRUE____FALSE

27. Ovaries are a french egg dish made with cheese
____TRUE____FALSE

28. Scrotum is a small planet near Venus ____TRUE____FALSE

29. "Cock" is a bird that crows in the morning ____TRUE____FALSE

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The vasectomy

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and
sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.

"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.

"And why not?" asked Stan.
"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have
here?"

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew.
Stan, make me an uncle."

Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look
and asked his brother, "You're SURE you want a nephew?"

"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor!"

"Well congratulations, you're holding him!"

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Life lessons

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and
some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just
in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good
if you die in the middle of it.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot
at tax collectors, and miss.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can
be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing
worse will happen to you for the rest of the
day.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice
into a watergun and shoot other people in the
eyes.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency
to be vague.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try
kickboxing.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat
until caught. Then lie.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is
simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same
time, because then you don't have a leg to stand
on.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes
your time and annoys the pig.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just
get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep
late.

When everything's coming your way, you're
in the wrong lane.

You are what you eat. So stay away from the
jerk chicken.

Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school
-- you'll be working for them in the future.

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