Funny wanted ad
Coffin wanted
Can't pay my rent, I need a place to sleep.
Would be ideal if its waterproof.
Cheers.
Can't pay my rent, I need a place to sleep.
Would be ideal if its waterproof.
Cheers.
Labels: funny wanted ad, joke, rent
Employee needed
Requirements:
A lazy bugger
Your eyebrows are too close together
Woman of child-bearing age (esp. if blond, blue-eyed etc. - banned by the missus)
Male under forty (banned by me)
Ethnic minority with less than 5 generations based in Northern part of UK
Member of a religion that insists on prayer when you should be working
Lesbian (on the grounds that it reduces the odds while gay men improve them so are acceptable)
Speak with an unusual (i.e. not Northern) accent
Are without sin (can't be trusted and boring)
Believe rules should be followed slavishly
Demand a Risk Assessment before doing anything
Think committees make decisions, they don't, I do
I don't like you, the missus doesn't like you, the dog doesn't like you (any one of these)
Otherwise you are most welcome and, if you're really good, we might pay handsomely (but not as much as benefits or the minimum wage, obviously)!
A lazy bugger
Your eyebrows are too close together
Woman of child-bearing age (esp. if blond, blue-eyed etc. - banned by the missus)
Male under forty (banned by me)
Ethnic minority with less than 5 generations based in Northern part of UK
Member of a religion that insists on prayer when you should be working
Lesbian (on the grounds that it reduces the odds while gay men improve them so are acceptable)
Speak with an unusual (i.e. not Northern) accent
Are without sin (can't be trusted and boring)
Believe rules should be followed slavishly
Demand a Risk Assessment before doing anything
Think committees make decisions, they don't, I do
I don't like you, the missus doesn't like you, the dog doesn't like you (any one of these)
Otherwise you are most welcome and, if you're really good, we might pay handsomely (but not as much as benefits or the minimum wage, obviously)!
Labels: Employee needed, funny job, funny moment, Jokes
Job ad for a Hobo
Consider a job as a HOBO:
Precinct Beverage Operative
Salary: 10p for a cup of tea + carrier bags
Harold Ramp & Partners, one of Europe's leading vagrancy consultancies are seeking to recruit an experienced precinct beverage operative to join a busy bench in Newcastle's Eldon Square shopping centre.
The successful candidate will have a proven track record of stumbling around a retail concourse whilst swigging from a bottle of white cider, and will ideally have at least 2 years experience of aggressive shouting at passers by. Shoes without laces are not essential, but would be an advantage.
If you are a purple-faced dedicated team player aged 25-75, looking to expand your career horizons in a challenging yet rewarding post bringing you into close contact with members of the public and security staff, we'd like to hear from you.
For an application bundle contact Mad Jim on the bench opposite Thorntons, Eldon Square, Newcastle Upon Tyne.
Precinct Beverage Operative
Salary: 10p for a cup of tea + carrier bags
Harold Ramp & Partners, one of Europe's leading vagrancy consultancies are seeking to recruit an experienced precinct beverage operative to join a busy bench in Newcastle's Eldon Square shopping centre.
The successful candidate will have a proven track record of stumbling around a retail concourse whilst swigging from a bottle of white cider, and will ideally have at least 2 years experience of aggressive shouting at passers by. Shoes without laces are not essential, but would be an advantage.
If you are a purple-faced dedicated team player aged 25-75, looking to expand your career horizons in a challenging yet rewarding post bringing you into close contact with members of the public and security staff, we'd like to hear from you.
For an application bundle contact Mad Jim on the bench opposite Thorntons, Eldon Square, Newcastle Upon Tyne.
Labels: funny, Job for a Hobo, joke, joke of the day
Diary of a Cat
Diary of a Cat
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture...Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors,I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this On their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still LODGED between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event, however, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my activities. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture...Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors,I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this On their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still LODGED between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event, however, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my activities. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Labels: Diary of a Cat, funny, joke, joke of the day
What men and women are looking for
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up
to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up
to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
Labels: funny, funny moments, husband store, joke, joke of the day, men and women, wife store
Boy with a letter to God
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00
When The postal authorities received the letter addressed to : God , USA , ... they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down and wrote a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God , Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC. Do you know those bureaucrats deducted $95.00 in taxes!
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00
When The postal authorities received the letter addressed to : God , USA , ... they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down and wrote a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God , Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC. Do you know those bureaucrats deducted $95.00 in taxes!
Labels: boy sends a letter to God, boy with a wish, funny, funny moments, joke, joke of the day, letter to God, man
Strange interesting facts
Strange interesting facts
1) Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2) Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3) A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4) People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5) When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6) Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7) Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8) Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9) The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10) The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11) The average housefly lives for one month.
12) 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13) A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14) The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15) Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16) Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17) The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18) The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19) John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20) Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21) In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22) Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23) The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24) Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25) Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26) If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
1) Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2) Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3) A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4) People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5) When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6) Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7) Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8) Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9) The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10) The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11) The average housefly lives for one month.
12) 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13) A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14) The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15) Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16) Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17) The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18) The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19) John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20) Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21) In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22) Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23) The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24) Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25) Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26) If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
Labels: interesting animal facts, interesting facts, interesting facts about England, interesting random facts, Strange interesting facts
