Blog of Jokes

Need hot water

2010-05-23T22:05:00.000-07:00

Funny wanted ad

2010-04-08T01:17:00.000-07:00

Coffin wanted

Can't pay my rent, I need a place to sleep.

Would be ideal if its waterproof.

Cheers.

Employee needed

2010-03-10T09:38:00.000-08:00

Requirements:

A lazy bugger
Your eyebrows are too close together
Woman of child-bearing age (esp. if blond, blue-eyed etc. - banned by the missus)
Male under forty (banned by me)
Ethnic minority with less than 5 generations based in Northern part of UK
Member of a religion that insists on prayer when you should be working
Lesbian (on the grounds that it reduces the odds while gay men improve them so are acceptable)
Speak with an unusual (i.e. not Northern) accent
Are without sin (can't be trusted and boring)
Believe rules should be followed slavishly
Demand a Risk Assessment before doing anything
Think committees make decisions, they don't, I do
I don't like you, the missus doesn't like you, the dog doesn't like you (any one of these)

Otherwise you are most welcome and, if you're really good, we might pay handsomely (but not as much as benefits or the minimum wage, obviously)!

Job ad for a Hobo

2009-11-27T06:02:00.000-08:00

Consider a job as a HOBO:

Precinct Beverage Operative
Salary: 10p for a cup of tea + carrier bags

Harold Ramp & Partners, one of Europe's leading vagrancy consultancies are seeking to recruit an experienced precinct beverage operative to join a busy bench in Newcastle's Eldon Square shopping centre.

The successful candidate will have a proven track record of stumbling around a retail concourse whilst swigging from a bottle of white cider, and will ideally have at least 2 years experience of aggressive shouting at passers by. Shoes without laces are not essential, but would be an advantage.

If you are a purple-faced dedicated team player aged 25-75, looking to expand your career horizons in a challenging yet rewarding post bringing you into close contact with members of the public and security staff, we'd like to hear from you.

For an application bundle contact Mad Jim on the bench opposite Thorntons, Eldon Square, Newcastle Upon Tyne.

Diary of a Cat

2009-11-27T05:58:00.000-08:00

Diary of a Cat

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture...Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors,I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this On their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still LODGED between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event, however, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my activities. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

What men and women are looking for

2009-10-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up
to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

Boy with a letter to God

2009-10-02T09:18:00.000-07:00

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00

When The postal authorities received the letter addressed to : God , USA , ... they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down and wrote a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God , Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC. Do you know those bureaucrats deducted $95.00 in taxes!

Strange interesting facts

2009-10-01T23:48:00.000-07:00

Strange interesting facts

1) Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2) Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3) A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4) People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5) When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6) Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7) Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8) Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9) The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10) The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11) The average housefly lives for one month.

12) 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13) A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14) The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15) Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16) Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17) The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18) The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19) John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20) Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21) In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22) Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23) The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24) Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25) Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26) If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Deaf wife

2009-09-28T13:39:00.000-07:00

A man marries a deaf woman. He tells her they need a code for having sex. Pull on my member once for yes, 42 times for no . . .

Sister-in-law

2009-09-28T09:45:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?
She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

Answering machine messages

2009-09-28T07:01:00.000-07:00

Option 1 "My lover and I can't come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."

Option 2 "A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message."

Option 3 "Hi! This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

Option 4 "Hi! Now you say something."

Option 5 "Hi! I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

Option 6 "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

Option 7 "Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!"

Option 8 "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. ?Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

Option 9 "Hello! You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

Option 10 "This is not an answering machine This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call."

Option 11 "Hi! I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you."

Option 12 "Hi! This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

Option 13 "Hi! If you are a burglar, we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message."

Option 14 "Hello! You've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape!

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

I'm gone.

You have reached 555-6238. Why?

This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. [Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.]

[Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:] Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ...

So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.

An American and a French man

2009-09-28T04:41:00.000-07:00

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants,
bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down
next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who,
nevertheless, starts a conversation.

French man: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we
only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the
states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American
listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we
put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle
them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used
them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to
France."

Incentive for healthy living

2009-09-17T06:54:00.000-07:00

Little kid with a problem

2009-09-17T05:33:00.001-07:00

For those who are addicted to the net...

2009-07-17T22:50:00.000-07:00

Funny reply on how much a day someone makes

2009-07-01T10:35:00.000-07:00

Question: How much a day do you make and what do you do?

Answer: I make about $500 a day, my tools require a water pistol, a ski mask, and a fast car, willing to do a JV(joint venture) with about two to three people, any takers?

Funny job advert: Elvis Impressionist

2009-04-04T10:15:00.000-07:00

' Elvis ' wanted for fun times, must be early elvis and not the fat or dead one.
Will be paid in chocolate kisses (from Joe). Will be required to parade infront of friends and family and be prepared to take alot of stick as we much prefer shakin stevens. Will be given every other third wednesday in june as a day off.

Must be ready and willing to be tarred and feathered on occasion and make pigeon noises for sexual pleasure.

MUST enjoy Eastenders and be able to mimic pat butcher on demand, as I find her mildly attractive and think I would enjoy her company.
If you are interested in this position please dont not hesitate to call me on your phone number.
many thanks.
Bruce Wayne
Hugs and Kisses
XXXX

How to make $5,000 a month

2009-03-05T11:01:00.000-08:00

The best method to making 5k a month is to go and buy a little thin hacksaw blade, a strong rucksack and wet tissues. Walk around your estate looking for telephone boxes.

Once you've spotted a couple that are easily reachable and not in too hot a location then just insert your hacksaw into the gap between the change box and phone and saw away until you can open the change box and take HALF of the change as you do not want to get busted.

Take your change into your rucksack and make sure you replace the change box carefully and clean the metal dust using the wet tissues. Rinse and repeat.

Two hillbillies

2009-02-03T06:18:00.000-08:00

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is inreal distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Breakdown of an english word

2009-02-03T05:58:00.000-08:00

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck." It is the one magical word, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love. Fuck, as most words in the English language, takes its name from the German word "fricken," which means "to strike."

"Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.

It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).

It can be an active verb (John really fucks up) or a passive verb (Mary doesn't really give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), and a noun (Mary is a fine fuck).

It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful).

As you can see, there are not many words with the versatility of "fuck."

Besides its sexual connotation, this lovely word can be used to describe many situations:

Fraud: I got fucked at the used car lot
Dismay : Oh, fuck it!
Trouble: I guess I'm fucked now.
Aggression: Fuck you!
Passive: Fuck me
Confusion: What the fuck?
Difficulty: I can't understand this fucking business.
Despair: Fucked again.
Apathy: Who gives a fuck.
Incompetence: He's all fucked up!
Laziness: He's a lazy fuck
Displeasure: What the fuck is going on here?
Ignorance: Fucked if I know.
Defiance: The fuck you can!
Lost: Where the fuck are we?
Authority: Shut the fuck up.

It can be used in descriptive anatomy - He's really a fucking asshole.
It can be used to tell time - It's five fucking thirty.
It can be used in business - How did I get this fucking job?
It can be a prediction - Oh, will I get fucked.
It can be maternal - as in "Mother Fucker."
It can be nautical - Fuck the Admiral.
It can be political - Fuck Bush.
It can open the door to wonderful relationships - "Let's fuck."
It can be used just to enhance the meaning of a word - as in "Fanfuckingtastic” or "FuckinA." The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses. How can anyone be offended when you say "Fuck"?

Husband doing the washing

2009-02-03T05:40:00.000-08:00

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "
And they say blondes are dumb...

Multi-syllable word

2009-02-03T05:34:00.000-08:00

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

How it's loaded

2009-02-03T05:29:00.000-08:00

A certain young man finally got a date with a young blonde that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool". But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

When the blonde showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a DVD. During the DVD, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the she exclaimed - "So, that's how you guys load those things!".'"

What's the difference between a woman and a tornado?

2009-02-03T05:22:00.000-08:00

Nothing

They both moan when they come
and take everything when they leave.

Fat head

2009-02-03T05:16:00.000-08:00

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The
dad says "I'll have a chocolate." The wife says "I'll have
a vanilla." Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the
head and says "What do you want fat head?"

The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him in the back
of the head and call him fat head?"

The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants:
The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice
big truck sitting out there??? That's my nice truck!!!

The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house.
You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge
of town? That's my big house!!!

The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy,
and I had that until fat head came along!!!

Blonde at a football game

2009-02-03T05:11:00.000-08:00

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind the bench. After the
game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really
tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then
for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get
the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

Survivor in Texas

2009-02-03T05:08:00.000-08:00

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is
planning to do one
entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco ,
Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston and down to Brownsville . They will
then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock and Amarillo .
From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth and finally back
to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:
"I'm Gay,"
"I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I
Voted for Obama," "George
Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012" and "I'm here to
confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

Take the foreign language test

2009-02-03T04:54:00.000-08:00

Study each question carefully, then choose the answer that
seems "most" correct (TRUE or FALSE) and mark an "X" (just
like you sign your name) on the appropriate line at the right.

1. A clitoris is a type of flower ____TRUE____FALSE

2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit ____TRUE____FALSE

3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird ____TRUE____FALSE

4. Vagina - a medical term to describe heart trouble
____TRUE____FALSE

5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels ____TRUE____FALSE

6. A G-string is a part of a violin ____TRUE____FALSE

7. Semen is another word for sailor ____TRUE____FALSE

8. Anus is the latin word for "yearly" ____TRUE____FALSE

9. Testicles are found on an octopus ____TRUE____FALSE

10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles ____TRUE____FALSE

11. Masturbate is used to catch a large fish ____TRUE____FALSE

12. Kotex is a radio station in Bryan, Tx ____TRUE____FALSE

13. Coitus is a musical instrument ____TRUE____FALSE

14. Fetus is a character on gunsmoke ____TRUE____FALSE

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute ____TRUE____FALSE

16. A condom is an apartment complex ____TRUE____FALSE

17. orgasm - accompanies the choir at church ____TRUE____FALSE

18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry ____TRUE____FALSE

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle ____TRUE____FALSE

20. erection - when the Japanese vote for their new
government____TRUE____FALSE

21. A lesbian is a person from the middle east ____TRUE____FALSE

22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass
____TRUE____FALSE

23. Pornography is the business of making record albums
____TRUE____FALSE

24. Genitals are people of non-jewish faith ____TRUE____FALSE

25. Douch is the Italian word for "twelve" ____TRUE____FALSE

26. An enema is someone who is not your friend ____TRUE____FALSE

27. Ovaries are a french egg dish made with cheese
____TRUE____FALSE

28. Scrotum is a small planet near Venus ____TRUE____FALSE

29. "Cock" is a bird that crows in the morning ____TRUE____FALSE

The vasectomy

2009-02-01T06:00:00.000-08:00

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and
sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.

"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.

"And why not?" asked Stan.
"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have
here?"

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew.
Stan, make me an uncle."

Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look
and asked his brother, "You're SURE you want a nephew?"

"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor!"

"Well congratulations, you're holding him!"

Life lessons

2009-02-01T05:54:00.000-08:00

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and
some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just
in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good
if you die in the middle of it.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot
at tax collectors, and miss.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can
be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing
worse will happen to you for the rest of the
day.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice
into a watergun and shoot other people in the
eyes.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency
to be vague.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try
kickboxing.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat
until caught. Then lie.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is
simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same
time, because then you don't have a leg to stand
on.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes
your time and annoys the pig.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just
get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep
late.

When everything's coming your way, you're
in the wrong lane.

You are what you eat. So stay away from the
jerk chicken.

Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school
-- you'll be working for them in the future.

How to choose a wife

2009-01-24T03:52:00.000-08:00

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Does this signpost have the ideal relationship? (For a guy)

2009-01-20T04:52:00.000-08:00

Wheres there a will there's a way

2009-01-20T04:49:00.000-08:00

Bubba and his neighbours

2009-01-18T14:24:00.000-08:00

Each Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said: "You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighborhood.

The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Jack's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a Catfish".

What's your profession

2009-01-17T03:42:00.000-08:00

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."

Keeping busy while in the penitentiary

2009-01-16T23:29:00.000-08:00

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They
were each allowed to take one item with them
to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So,
what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints
and stated that he intended to paint anything
he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses
of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did
you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards
and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can
play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of
games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside,
grinning to himself. The other two took notice
and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you
bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled.
He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What
can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said,
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback
riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

Geek take on Janis Joplin's "Mercedes Benz"

2009-01-14T14:34:00.000-08:00

Oh Lord, won’t you burn me a Knoppix CD ?
My friends all rate Windows, I must disagree.
Your powers of persuasion will set them all free,
So oh Lord, won’t you burn me a Knoppix CD ?

Blind man in a clothing store

2009-01-03T14:11:00.000-08:00

This blind guy walked into a department store with his seeing-eye
dog and headed straight for the men's department. Surrounded
by pajamas and neckties, he proceeded to come to a stop,
pick up his German Shepherd by the hind legs, and swing
the dog around and around in a circle.

A startled clerk ran over to him, saying loudly, "Sir...
may I help you with anything?"

"No thanks," said the blind man, "just looking."

What to look for in a perfect husband

2008-12-30T05:14:00.001-08:00

Child custody

2008-12-30T04:50:00.000-08:00

Detroit, MI (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Wayne County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Why I wasn't at work yesterday

2008-12-30T03:34:00.000-08:00

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

Copying files from one operating system to another

2008-12-30T03:25:00.000-08:00

What's in a name

2008-12-20T05:42:00.000-08:00

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have
a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy,
bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the
baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we
will name him...

Sum Ting Wong

Italian maths

2008-12-20T04:48:00.000-08:00

An Italian applies for a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks. "Are you short of brain?"

"Tree and tree and tree make a nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this guy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian again stares into space for a few moments, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga cumma along anda crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, datsa makea one hundred So, when amma I gonna start?"

Funny signature

2008-11-19T01:43:00.000-08:00

Whole new meaning to being pissed off

2008-10-06T11:34:00.000-07:00

On the Tonight Show With Jay Leno, Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a person ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience and there was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! What do you think?

"It was midwinter, snowing and quite cold and the guy had taken her skiing. It was a day trip (No overnight involved). They were strangers, and truly did not know each other well. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere that had a restroom. Her date suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be all over the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started to pee. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her date stood on the other side of the car watching for traffic and, as a real gentleman, refrained from peeking.

Upon finishing, she soon became aware of the problem. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her butt was firmly stuck against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor, she answered her date's concern about "what was taking so long," with, "she was truly freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as they looked at each other, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they tried to figure a way out of this mess. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. Rescue accomplished.

As you can imagine, the remainder of the trip home was pretty quiet and despite their 'intimate encounter' The two did not see one another again."

As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down...or perhaps that should be "pants down". Jay Leno was a little speechless at first, but later added,

"This story gave a whole new meaning to being 'pissed off'."

Embarassed by daddy's job

2008-09-30T03:10:00.000-07:00

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,

'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No', the boy said, 'He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Barack Obama elected to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'

You shouldn't be eating pussy at such a young age

2008-07-13T04:03:00.000-07:00

Funny image

2008-05-25T16:45:00.000-07:00

Special of the day...

2008-04-19T11:29:00.000-07:00

Special of the day Frog legs

When at the gym

2008-02-26T09:09:00.000-08:00

Remember when you go to the gym

DO NOT SWALLOW CHEWING GUM

Grand strong muscular man with a little...

2008-01-16T04:17:00.000-08:00

tiny head struts into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender begins mixing the drink while strangely observing the muscular shaped man who appears to have a very little shrunken head. As the bartender begins to serve Grand his drink says,

'Excuse me sir I don't mean to be rude or anything like that but ive gotta ask you and am quite curious to find out how a man with such a tiny little head as is yours, could ever manage to have such a big muscular and outstanding physique ?"
" Well it's like this you see, one day as I was strolling thru the park on my way back from work i was suddenly approached by a ugly green slimy frog who from out of no where began speaking to me in a sweet feminine voice. It told me that she was actually a beautiful princess who had accidentally been turned into an ugly nasty frog by a wicked witch who hated her for being so beautiful and more so had been seeking revenge. She said that in order for her to be turned back into the beautiful princess she would first have to receive a kiss from a handsome man."
"So proceeded to kiss her and the next thing you know "BAM" right before me stood this tall sexy blue eyed woman named Sarah whom with out hesitation granted me 3 wishes as a gratitude for my kindness."
"she looked into my eyes and said, tell me what you would like me to grant you as your 1St Wish."

" So I looked at her and said, how about a body like Arnold Schwarzennegger? the next thing I knew, Bam!!! I had this great muscular physique."

" Then she asked me for my second wish and since she was so hot I quickly turned to her and said, I wish to have sex with you for a total of 3days and 3nights non stop. the princess pulled out her little wond Bam!!! we did it like jack rabbits for 3days and 3nights"

The bartender who was still puzzled by the mans story looked over at him and said," ok so that would explain your great physique and all but it still doesn't explain why your head is so small."

" Well after having sex for 3 days and 3 nights we were both laying out in the middle of the park completely butt naked when the beautiful princess turned over to me again and asked me what i wanted for my 3rd and final wish"
" I looked in to her blue beautiful eyes and said to her, Ok, well how about a little head?"

Sayings

2007-08-03T01:58:00.000-07:00

1) My first wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I used to work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why is the room spinning-medicine.
14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
15) God must love stupid people. He made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21) MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
22) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
23) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
24) Procrastinate Now
25) Rehab Is for Quitters
26) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
27) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries with That?
28) Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
29) Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names
30) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
31) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
32) A hangover is the wrath of grapes
33) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
34) DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music
35) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
36) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
37) Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog
38) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
39) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
40) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
41) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
42) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
43) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
44) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
45) The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

Which airline?

2007-07-27T06:11:00.000-07:00

A guy sitting at a bar at Gatwick noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk." This time the woman turned on him "What the F*** do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Northwest!"

Farting couple

2007-07-13T15:00:00.000-07:00

There once was a married couple whose relationship was good except for one thing. The husband had a terrible farting problem. After an extremely fart filled day the wife told the husband that one day he's going to fart all of his insides out. He told her she was crazy and went to take a nap. While the husband was napping the wife started to prepare dinner. She then thought of a funny prank to play on him. She took the insides of the chicken she was cooking and put them under the sheets in bed next to the husband's rear. After a while she heard some comotion upstairs. She could hardley hold in her laughter when he came running down the stairs looking quite distraught. "You were right," said the husband, "I farted all of my insides out........ but thank god, I was able to get them all back in!"

Guide to online dating

2007-06-21T01:36:00.000-07:00

Just a few handy hints for those of you new to this....DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL
ADS
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on wherethey are in their menstrual cycle For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

Cinderella and her cat

2007-06-11T12:27:00.000-07:00

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life sinceI last saw you. I'm prepared to grant you three wishes."
Cinderella was taken back, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouthon my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"
The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do.What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered....."Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

Short history of medicine

2007-06-08T07:17:00.000-07:00

"doctor, i have an ear ache."
2000 b.c.-"here, eat this root."
1000 b.c.-"that root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 a.d.-"that prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1985 a.d.-"that pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 a.d.- "that antibiotic is artificial, here,eat this root!"

Church testimony

2007-05-30T05:13:00.000-07:00

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as somechurches call it, "Cry Sunday," one Sunday morning, took the microphone from oneof the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation.
"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has sufferedthis past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.
"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he is in so much pain and he has missed work because of it. He cannot lift ourchildren up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worstof all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of thecongregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation. "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM!"

Little Johnny and teacher

2007-05-24T06:21:00.000-07:00

Teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by him before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate, so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.

German prostitute

2007-05-10T10:06:00.000-07:00

A German asks a prostitute for sex and she tells him it's 20 dollars. "Fine" he says, "but I'm a bit kinky". She agrees that this is OK as long as he doesn't do anything violent. They get back to her flat and he gets out four big springs attached to some straps. "I want you to put one of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he asks. The prostitute is worried that she's getting into something a bit heavy, but she goes along with his request. Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in front of him which she does grudgingly. Then he asks her to start bouncing up and down on the springs and finally he takes a duck call whistle from his pocket. "Blow on this while I'm shagging you" he tells her. So he's banging away at her from behind while she's bouncing on the springs blowing the duck whistle. Suddenly she starts to enjoy the shagging, so much so in fact that she experiences the most fantastic orgasm she's ever had. After they've finished she says "Wow, that was the most fantastic sex I've had in 25 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?" "Ah," the German replies. "Foursprung Duck Technique".

911 calls

2007-05-07T13:26:00.000-07:00

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich. Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher : Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven . Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is.........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.

Italian wedding anniversary

2007-05-03T07:31:00.000-07:00

At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a da money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for da 20th- anniversary! The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..." Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."

Funniest music video I have seen in a while

2007-04-15T03:04:00.000-07:00

Young businessman

2007-04-13T10:02:00.000-07:00

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

Tommy and wendy

2007-04-05T09:56:00.000-07:00

Tommy and Wendy are so in love. They are so in love that as a testament to his love for her, Tommy decides to get a tattoo of Wendy's name on his penis. When flaccid, you can just see the W and the Y. They are so in love, they decide to get married. Wendy and Tommy go to Montego Bay for their honeymoon. They are having a great time. Ah, love. In a public toilet Tommy is using the urinal and sees another man, a local, with the same tattoo on his penis: a W and a Y at the end. 'Hey!' he says, 'you love a girl named Wendy too!?' 'No mon, it says WELCOME TO JAMAICA MON, HAVE A NICE DAY!'

Free broadband from google

2007-04-01T12:49:00.000-07:00

A man, his father and his grandfather walk into a bar

2007-03-26T01:44:00.000-07:00

A man his father and grandfather go into a bar for a beer. While they're sitting at the bar a fly is flying around their head. The man spits and hits the fly, sending it into a spiral. It recovers and flys off. The bartender is like,"That was amazing!"
The man says,"That was nothing, you should see my father."
Another fly flys in and the father spits and the fly doesn't recover from his spiral.The bartender is like,"That was amazing!"
The father says,"That was nothing, you should see my father."
Another fly flys in and the grandfather spits and hits the fly, sending it into a spiral. It recovers and flys off.
The bartender is like,"That was not as amazingas the other one!"
And the grandfather says"Yeah, but that one will never breed again!"

The chicken and the egg

2007-03-21T14:27:00.000-07:00

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".

Should he be worried?

2007-03-18T06:12:00.000-07:00

Bono at a charity concert

2007-03-15T02:33:00.000-07:00

Bono was at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asked the audience for some
quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the
microphone..."Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A drunken voice from near the front of the audience pierces the
silence..."Fookin' stop doing it then!"

Three labradors

2007-03-12T02:27:00.000-07:00

-- one brown, one yellow, and one black, were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here? "The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything --the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away". The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The black lab said... "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Wonder what this guard dog has been guarding

2007-03-06T07:50:00.000-08:00

The mexican, the iraqi and the alabama girl

2007-03-03T23:09:00.000-08:00

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice." An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either. The Alabama girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it, throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches her glass. She says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs, that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.

Hillary Clinton goes to primary school

2007-02-26T03:48:00.000-08:00

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time.One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is."Kenneth.""And what is your question, Kenneth?""I have three questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess.When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary point him out and asks him what his name is."Larry.""And what is your question, Larry?""I have five questions: First - Whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? Fifth - What the hell happened to Kenneth?"

Little girl and mother

2007-02-25T05:43:00.000-08:00

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Little girl and teacher part 2

2007-02-24T08:21:00.000-08:00

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Tattoo

2007-02-23T05:21:00.000-08:00

Teacher and little girl

2007-02-23T02:06:00.000-08:00

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him "

Survey on men and women

2007-02-22T05:08:00.000-08:00

New pill for all of life's problems

2007-02-21T09:43:00.000-08:00

The weatherman

2007-02-21T01:07:00.000-08:00

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.
Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

Love pays the rent

2007-02-15T07:24:00.000-08:00

A guy walks into a post office one day to see
a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter
methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright
pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He
then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he
goes up to the balding man and asks him what
he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000
Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?"

"I'm a divorce lawyer,"

Give it over 100%

2007-02-03T07:10:00.000-08:00

This
equation should be taught in all math classes!

From a strictly mathematical
viewpoint, it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE
than 100%? Have you ever wondered about those people who say they are giving
more than 100%?

We have all been to those
meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical
formula that might help you answer these questions:

is
represented as

Then

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And,

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

And, look how far ass kissing will take you

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can conclude with
mathematical certainty that while
Hard Work
and
Knowledge
will get you close, and
Attitude
will
get you there, it's the
Bullshit
and
Ass Kissing
that
will put you over the top!

NFL Wants To Remind You That Having People Over To Watch The Super Bowl On A Big Screen Is Copyright Infringement

2007-02-03T04:23:00.000-08:00

NFL Wants To Remind You That Having People Over To Watch The Super Bowl On A Big Screen Is Copyright Infringement
from the laws-written-by-lobbyists dept
What is it with sports leagues and their desire to limit how their fans can enjoy the game? There's Major League Baseball, who keeps trying to insist that they own the facts related to a game, and no one can use them without paying MLB first. Then, there's the NFL, who freaked out about TiVo and also tried to ban any broadcasters from using "unauthorized" video feeds to show what happens in the stadium (i.e., no sideline cameras any more). They've been particularly fussy about the Super Bowl, however, forcing advertisers to call it "the Big Game" or whatever, claiming excessive control over the trademark (remember, trademarks are really designed to prevent consumer confusion, not to give holders full control over the mark). The latest situation is perhaps even more bizarre -- but tragically, seems to fall closer to a correct legal reading of a really poorly written law. The NFL apparently nastygrammed a church for planning to host a Super Bowl party. The original complaint was first that the church was charging people, but also that they used the term "Super Bowl" (as if people would somehow believe that the church was associated with the NFL?). After the church agreed to let people in for free and not use the term, the NFL continued to complain, saying that showing the Super Bowl on a screen larger than 55 inches represents copyright infringement. While we, at first, doubted the reality of this, Ben Austro sent in the fact that it is, indeed, spelled out in copyright law that once you get above 55", you may be talking about a "public performance," though, as Ben notes, the wording sounds like it was clearly written by a lobbyist. No matter what the law states, this seems ridiculously short-sighted by the NFL. It's hard to see how they lose out in any meaningful way by not allowing groups to watch the Super Bowl together. Of course, now that this particular quirk of copyright law is getting some attention, how long will it be until the MPAA starts cracking down on those of you with really big screen TVs from showing movies in your home theaters. What was a joke just a few months ago, may become real.

Meeting people on the eater'net

2007-02-02T14:42:00.000-08:00

What do lawyers taste like

2007-01-31T05:35:00.000-08:00

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file.
The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.
He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, "Did you just lick me twice in the butt?"
The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Secret to a long life

2007-01-30T06:16:00.000-08:00

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking
in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"
she said. "What's your secret for a long happy
life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,"
he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week,
eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old
are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

Workout video

2007-01-30T06:06:00.000-08:00

What to wear with the IRS

2007-01-01T10:37:00.000-08:00

What to Wear with the IRS
A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

Punk and old guy

2006-12-24T10:46:00.000-08:00

Punk walks into a pub with flourescent orange and green hair, tattered trousers, tattered shoes, vest with holes through it, walks next to an old man sitting by the pub and orders a drink, after a while he gets conscious that the old man is staring at him"whats the matter haven't you ever done anything wild when you were young"? he askes the old manwithout missing a beat the old man says "sure when I was young I joined the navy, I went to thailand and had sex with a parrot thought you were my son".

Can I come in?

2006-12-20T07:52:00.000-08:00

"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.
President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven. "And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World."
"Oh....Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.
"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.
"Sure," says the Saint. "But first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"
Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it `dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."
With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "Okay, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to "abandon all hope," just don't hold your breath .......
waiting for it to freeze over."

The tactics of the long sales letter

2006-12-16T10:30:00.000-08:00

Click Here, You Idiot

You know you've landed in sales doo-dah when the title is designed to shock / get attention.

If you aren't 100% sure... the page design should give it away. There's no left margin or right column. Stay on track and don't get distracted. There aren't links to take you away or navigation bars to confuse you. The goal is to push you to the bottom of the page where there's a Paypal button. More about that later.

STAY FOCUSED

The page is narrow to fit any screen size resolution and if you have to scroll the only direction is... down, down, down. Towards the Paypal button. A fool and his money are soon parted, but you're no fool; so you can't be rushed to the end.

'OW MUCH IS IT THEN?

Hang on, hang on. Patience is the mother of ...er, someone. Miss Guided? If you're told the price now you may run away. You need to be pre-conditioned. Conditioner protects you from shocks (don't try this at home).

But really, what's the hurry? If it's a FANTASTIC DEAL you'll find the price on the page. If it's FANTASTIC VALUE brace yourself, and you'll find the price when you Add To Shopping Cart... after you've learned that you NEED this product.

If you want out - and want out badly - go straight to Paypal

Remember: It's a crime to convince others they need something completely useless only if it's something they really, really don't need. It's the Ferengi rule of Long Sales Letters. Comparatively speaking, Ferengi are an honest people though; so let's not drag them into this.

The time's come for you to be Convinced. And for that American is so, so much cooler than English. Partly because it uses centered text. And partly because it isn't embarrassed to add <bold>, <red>, and <large font>.

Take 3 Easy Steps And Own Your Own Awesome Money Machine. It's 100% Able To Give You Massive Residual Income... Read This Letter And I'll Tell You Why I Am Parting With This Money Machine So YOU Can Get Rich Within 24 Hours, Guaranteed!

See, you didn't miss that, did ya?

Key points recap:

- IT'S EASY

- IT'S FROM SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO MAKE MONEY

- IT HAS WORDS LIKE "MASSIVE", "AWESOME" and "MIND-BLOWING"

WHAT'S THAT? TALK IN LOWER CASE? WHY?

OK, just don't blame him if you don't get the message. He's only trying to point out that the product has

a feel good factor ("100%" always feels good)

immediacy (who can wait more than one day to get rich?)

guaranteed residual income (Americans have MLM in their DNA; "residual income" may be explained for other nationalities)

a requirement that there's no work on your part (or very little)

The only effort required of you is Clicking That Paypal Button. Even an idiot can do that, right?

In case you don't understand "100% guaranteed", I've included an image to illustrate. It looks like a seal of some sort so builds credibility. Establishing credibility is important before picking someone's pocket.

Time to get the kitsch out. Lurid yellow highlight works. You can taste last night's dinner again? Never mind. Concentrate on the Great Opportunity and on the bold text

You'll soon see images of cheques showing $9,231.46 earned in 8 days and they'll be like works of (Photoshop) art! Yes, $9,231.46 in 8 days

Impressive? You want in on the secret? No problem. You, too, can make $9321.46 in 8 days.

In fact YOU sounds better that "you". So, YOU too, can make $9321.46 in 8 days.

The amount is specific because specific is believable. Truth is even more believable e.g. the quickest way to get to $9231.46 is to start with $20,000 and lose $10,768.54 in advertising. You KNOW that that's true. On the other hand do you know better than to disclose truth in Sales Letters? Award yourself a star! You're getting smarter already. When you complete the Paypal transaction at the end of the page you'll be a whole 7.3% more intelligent.

The product is INCREDIBLY EASY. If the author, who has all these natural - and feigned - spelling and grammatical mistakes, can make $9231.46, so can YOU. Why settle for other opportunities to make just a little money? It's so easy my grandmother could do it. Even without her internet connection and email password! Because the idea sells itself he's paid a professional Long Sales Letter Copywriter a large sum of money to put together his killer sales pitch for him.

Yes, the more a product sells itself the more you have to spend on marketing it.

Notice how I have no ads on this page? I hate ads. I hate how the contemptuous little b*stards steal space on the page, how they trick you into clicking, how they flash and animate and beg like prostitutes for the slightest attention? Do you like creepy, disease-ridden insects? No, you don't, and that's good, because now I'm empathising with YOU and getting YOU on side ... and the closer YOU get the easier it is to sandbag YOU.

Oops, did I say that aloud? You should be moving towards the closing arguments; put your feet up and stop struggling with paragraphs. Keep moving, keep moving. With your feet up. Keep moving and

The letter will give YOU bonuses to act now. It's a limited time deal - the author doesn't want to keep selling the e-book and making money forever!

Act now, because everybody wants a copy (of course!) - and he hasn't printed enough e-books.

Because there's so much of demand and not enough stock he's giving away five free bonuses just to persuade YOU to act now.

Hey, it's all about YOU, YOU, YOU. They'll even let YOU in on this secret way of making $9231.46 in 8 days. But YOU have to act now.

In case you missed it, you do need to ACT NOW.

By now, if you aren't convinced there's at least some merit in the product, YOU haven't been listening. Let's go through the numbers again.

If you weren't impressed by $9231.46 per 8 days how about this?

$421,185.36 per year!

Yes, that's how much YOU will make. MASSIVE.

ALMOST HALF A MILLION DOLLARS EVERY SINGLE YEAR

for the rest of your life! It could even be

A MILLION, OR MORE!

Don't believe it? See the cheque below for $1,000,000? It's even got a stamp on it saying "This is a genuine cheque, promise", so you know it's kosher. Now look at the figures again:

A CHECK FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

Yes, my friends, that's how much YOU can make.

You've passed the bullet point test - you read them. So you're ready for, ahem...

THE TESTIMONIALS

Each testimonial has to be signed ...because Vincent Van Gogh didn't print his name on his products, did he? No! He took the trouble to sign them. And, if you see a painting signed "Vincent" it would be rude and superfluous to ask for proof of ID. It is similarly reassuring to readers - and an irrefutable proof of legitimacy - to have a signature below each testimonial.

I'm telling ya this product kicks butt. It's like teaching a child to read. Once you do that he or her will pass a literacy test. That's why I recommend it personally by my wife.

Russel Sprouts

Oh, you recognise that picture? I'll try again.

Thank you for asking me to say a few words. Because I was going to say them anyway. Those few words. The ones you asked me to say. Where was I? Oh, you know what I mean. ...

Koe Caine

And again

(Template information for author of sales letter: Replace the below text with your own testimonial in each of these four yellow boxes. Then delete this text.)

<<<<Because the prospect's defences are down when he's reading testimonials and he's not wary he's being given a sales pitch, the testimonial is the best place to put "Sales Messages" and "Emotional Messages". The Testimonial Box is the spare room of the Long Sales Letter. Anything too corny to fit elsewhere, that stinks too much of hyperbole, or gives narcissism a bad name can find a home in here eg: "I was not expecting an e-book on getting rich to make me sexually attractive but, wow, was I wrong! I can't seem to fend off the string of beauty queens. It doesn't matter to me that they love me only for my library of e-books.">>>>

Robin Meblind

And again

<<<<A picture distracts from a thousand words so when you don't have something strong to say divert attention with a picture. At least 50% will get distracted. Depending on how strong the image some may not even notice the missing signature>>>>

Faye Kinnitt

Notice how everybody who writes a testimonial sends a passport photo for the author's convenience? And at least one testimonial is from an attractive woman? Beautiful women do that a lot - they have a disproportionate tendency to write testimonials for authors of Get Rich Quick books. They also have a strange compulsion to attach their photo to every email. Don't pause to ponder the reasons. Move on, move on, there's a product you have to get to. And a Paypal button.

Note: If you dig into the etymology of Testimonials you'll find that the word is derived from the Latin for testifying, Testis. Because testimonials sounds similar to testicles correct usage needs to be pointed out:

Incorrect: These testimonials are the dog's bollocks

Correct: These testimonials are complete dog bollocks

THE GUARANTEE

Even the most intractable idiot will have spotted some warning signs along the way. Perhaps the genuine photo of the book's jacket made for some discomfort. Or the references sounded coherent. The reader, quite reasonably, doubts the author's veracity.

And he's right to be sceptical. The author understands. He wants to assure you that your satisfaction is 100% guaranteed. That's why he offers an unconditional money back guarantee.

IF YOU ARE NOT 100% SATISFIED.....

there is NO HURRY. Evaluating a product doesn't happen overnight so you get a whole 90 days to try it out. Take your time. You need to be 100% satisfied. No, make that 110%. You can't possibly ask for more, can you?

Still want a refund? Think about it hard. You can get a refund tomorrow, or the day after/ next week / next month.... why hurry? Just keep prevaricating. Prevaricating is good.

Ah!? you want a refund now? Why do today what you can safely put off for tomorrow? Enjoy some more. Click here to return to enjoying - the book WILL make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. And get you laid. Click here if you really, really want to cancel.

A Long Sales Letter will often have an image of the book being sold (or offered as a bonus). Yes, the author photographed it when it was still hot off the printers. You didn't think it was Photoshopped, did you? Testimonicals to you, mate, if you did.

In this case, you know the above is a real photo because you can see the shadow from my camera flash! That's proof it's genuine.

Still not convinced?

Wow! Is there no limit to how smart you can get?

You spotted the flaw! If I really wanted genuine I'd have photographed my book standing on a glass table and with a bit of a reflection. Yes, the reflection is compulsory because it shows you, the reader, are getting double the value! All good authors follow this photography convention.

In fact, the real secret to getting rich is stealing this glass table. Think about it:

no table => no photos => no promotional Long Sales Letters => no sales => no profits!

It's like you've castrated them all in one fell swoop... and the e-book writers will band together to pay a king's ransom to get the table back. But, I digress....It's time for bonuses.

Bonuses

You thought that your good luck was limited? Well, it's not. If you ACT NOW you'll also get bonuses. The product is so good that you may even get bribed to take it away!

The bonuses are worth $349.45. No, not $350. $349.45. Act now.

Also, it's incredibly simple to make $9231.46 in the next 8 days. Any idiot can do it. The author did.

We've run out of bold text, capitals, colours and highlights so apologise that we have to now resort to horizontal lines to emphasise the important bits.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This offer expires at midnight

Today, Tonight, this year!

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The urgency above is real. If you don't feel the urgency you won't ACT NOW and may do silly things like reconsidering. However, if you desperately want to reconsider, but don't want to lose this offer, here's a little secret: Simply change the date on your computer clock (Settings>Control>Panel>Date & Time) and reload this page - the date here changes!

Voilá!

Nifty?

He's an honest chap and genuinely means this offer ends at midnight TONIGHT but he's also an understanding chap and will be happy to extend it to any other night you choose. Yes, it ends tonight. Or some other night. Or both. Or a night in-between those two. Or maybe whenever you want. Or all of them. Just whenever you want to pay, really. Just pay the bloody money, OK?!

<<Note to self: If they feel date deceived don't let on that in the US they can complain on 1-877- FTC-HELP and that, in the UK, directory enquiries will provide a local Trading Standards' number.>>

THE PRICE

If you suspected I'm trying to sell you something you'll be looking for an order button around now. Ha, ha! I'm NOT trying to sell YOU anything!

Don't pay me $420, don't pay me $250, don't even pay me $150. For today only - bear in mind that this offer will be gone tomorrow - for today only, make a Paypal donation of $50 $5 and I promise I won't write an e-book on writing sales copy. EVER!

Yes, I was going to charge $50, changed my mind and couldn't find the back button to edit the price, so I used a strikethrough instead.

I ordered you to click once before and you landed on this page. Are you sorry? Yes No! You wouldn't have come this far if you were. See, I'm not a straight-up sorta guy? I'm asking you to click again. Click the Paypal button! You'll be glad you did.

PS: The best sounding hyperbole should go here. In the PS. Is it because everybody reads the PS thinking it's the absolutely latest news? Or is it because the author's IQ is less than the temperature on a cold day in Anchorage and he put the best copy in the wrong place? The answer is, yes, it's true. It's been scientifically proven.

PPS: The good news is that a good PS drags the letter out long enough for another Paypal button... without looking tacky. It also rounds off the karma. And that's good for planet Earth. And the author's planet.

PPPS: The last person who read this letter and didn't click the Paypal button accidentally set fire to his house, reversed over the cat on his way to get help, crashed into a police car ... and discovered his ex-wife in it - she wasn't gay after all. DON'T FALL INTO THE SAME TRAP!

Top Benefits

If you cough up now I'll say Thank You!

If the payment is for $5 or more you'll get a special email address to send comments/feedback, and I may publish them here

By contributing you'll be putting two fingers up at smooth talking Sales Letters everywhere

You'll also be helping raise awareness of the tactics & cons they use, and...supporting the exposing of those via this site

Because I'm not selling anything I can't up-sell - so, there's no sting in the tail when you get to the checkout

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Yes, $5.00, I know you cannot believe your eyes!

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For less money than a packet of cigarettes I offer to NOT clutter the internet with my e-book, "Writing good. Long Sales Copy. Explained in 7 Simple Steps".

Click the Paypal link. Act now! It's only $5.00. You deserve it. I deserve
it.

This page is free to read, free of affiliate links, free of plugs for e-books,
free of "Free" newsletter signups and free to link to. Because I don't trust you
to click the Paypal button I've done a little monetising of this page. The #1
goal, though, is for you to

Click the Paypal button, dammit! I need fuel for my Benz

Gimme drinks

2006-11-16T06:17:00.000-08:00

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says
to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks."

So the bartender pours him twelve shots and
the guy starts shooting them back really fast,
one after another. The bartender says to the
guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really
fast."

The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking
really fast too if you had what I've got."

The bartender says, "What've you got?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

Listen to this podcast!

2006-10-19T17:23:00.000-07:00

macdof''s podcast

Give it a listen!

Enjoy! -- macdof

Click here to get your own player.

First funny post

2006-10-19T17:18:00.000-07:00

Hopefully this blog will be filled with jokes and amusing scenarios on the web

Let me start with this funny post:

a slew of badly named URI's
Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous: www.whorepresents.com
Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: www.expertsexchange.com
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: www.penisland.net
Need a therapist? Try: www.therapistfinder.com
And there is an Italian Power-Generation company: www.powergenitalia.com
Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com